Looking back, the early rounds were fairly subdued, the competitors feeling each other out, perhaps. But as we got into the middle rounds things heated up - the Kelsey/Ashley I. showdown, Britt's dramatic departure, Jade's porn past, and finally, the shocking departure of Kaitlyn and Becca's big reveal. With that, there was little doubt this last round would be a thrilling, edge-of-your-seat drama. And it delivered - back-and-forth drama that had me wavering back and forth as to what would happen. I went through so many scenarios of how it could all end. Could we see him propose to both? A Bachelor version of Sister Wives with an ABC spin off? Will he pick either of them? WHAT WILL HAPPEN?!?! It was tremendous ebb and flow as we say in the boxing world, reminding me a lot of Corrales-Castillo I.
The episode itself consisted of each finalist meeting Chris' family in Iowa. We started with Whitney and man, it got a little over the top for me. At one point I started to feel like she was morphing into AshLee Frazier in Sean's season. First was the emotional toast at lunch, and she could barely get through it. We've got kids at the table and she's crying her way through a belabored proclamation of love. For most of us, we'd be dreading it so much we'd make it quick and painless. As my grandfather used to say, "Good food, good meat. Good God, let's eat!" But not Whit, she relished the moment and dialed up the drama.
Which reminds me, to this day this is still the best toast I've ever seen at a dinner:
Then she meets with the sisters. Whitney talks about leaving Chicago for Iowa and how she can be a nurse anywhere. Look, honey. We've all seen how small this town is. I'm pretty sure they don't have a hospital and just rely on a doctor doing home visits with his hand bag.
After meeting the sisters, she hangs with Chris' mom and talks about how much she loves her and oh my god, my patience is wearing thin. I went into this thing rooting for her and it's becoming more difficult. She's at a 9 right now and we really need her down to a 4, tops.
Chris then says bye to Whitney and heads into some industrial looking barn for a beer with his dad and brethren. There, this dude just preached:
The day concludes and we cut to Becca, who emerges from the limo with a ridiculous unbutton job on her shirt. The Virgin? No, The Chessmaster at work.
The day itself is much more subdued. We're spared another emotional toast at the lunch table, though it was funny to note that they sat Chris and Becca in the same exact two seats that he sat in with Whitney. I didn't notice, did they eat the same lunch too?
After lunch she sits with Chris' mom and this is where we start to see Becca's game start to slip. It's a tough conversation where she's describing these feelings she's not familiar with and Chris' mom keeps pointing out exactly what it is: love. But we have to remind ourselves this is a woman who, Virgin aside, had never brought a guy home. She's never been in love. Of course she doesn't know what any of this feels like. How can we expect her to know if she's really in love or not? We can see things starting to slip away. We've just witnessed a pitcher lose a no-hitter in the 9th inning of a 1-0 game then give up a 2-run walkoff homerun. All that great work to get to this moment and you blow it in the last inning.
The family breaks it down after, and his brother-in-law is spot on again. He tells the room it's not an analytical decision. Despite all the things that could convince you to make a decision one way, ultimately he'll need to make a decision based on his gut and love. Preach on, brother!
That night he sees Becca for a final time and they have an honest discussion about where she's at in the process. It's clear, she doesn't know and can't commit. And while there's nothing wrong with that, it's clear it's bother Chris. And after a long hug between them, you couldn't help but feel like the tide had turned. We've just witnessed a pitcher lose a no-hitter in the 9th inning of a 1-0 game then give up a 2-run walk-off homer. All that great work to get to this moment and you blow it in the last inning.
And with that, it's time for the moment we've all been waiting for. Neil Lane. He shows up to Chris' room to look at rings and comments on the cold weather and never thinking he'd be in Iowa. That's so Neil Lane. Neil's really pushing the rose gold this season, which is interesting. Chris looks at a few different options with Neil. The biggest takeaway from this was Chris needing a manicure. I know he's a farmer but can we get an Asian to work on these, please?
With that out of the way, we head to the rose ceremony which is set up in some dank barn in Iowa. I think there's a backstory like it's some childhood relic or something, but I'm so anxious and nervous to see who is getting out of the limo first I don't pay any attention. They preview the women and Whitney is on fire. She looked great in Bali, but this is next level for her. Becca looks great too, but that's never really been a question. We're tortured through the footage of both limo rides, and finally it's time. The door opens, and as the foot hits the pavement we see the bottom of a red dress. It's Becca. We all know what this means, but obviously she doesn't. Which got me thinking...when they get out of the limo I wonder if they're looking around for signs that the other woman was already there? I'd be examining the hay and shit, looking for footprints, disheveled hay that could've been dragged by a dress, a puddle of tears somewhere. Anything.
Becca makes her way up to the platform inside the barn and Chris begins his monologue. He talks about how open and honest she's been, how much he cares for her, and then it comes. Knight to King 4, Checkmate. She's just not there yet, not ready, not quite where he's at in terms of knowing his feelings and where he wants things to go. It's no surprise, nor something that was new news, but at this point it's shit or get off the pot and Chris knew she was no guarantee. She responds about how much she respected him, and this is officially the cleanest breakup of all time. Just an incredible amount of class and respect displayed by both.
So we move on, and it's Whitney's turn. And it was beautiful. Whitney told him how much she loved him, and when it was Chris' turn, he told her he loved her. And right then you could tell she knew. She had prevailed. Chris told her everything about the moment felt right, and he dropped to one knee and proposed. Can't help but be happy for them both. For all the shit this franchise get with their failed relationships, this was a pretty nice proposal and I'm hopeful they make it.
At the conclusion, we transitioned into the "After the Final Rose" ceremony and instead of recapping the whole thing, I'll touch on some highlights:
Chris and Becca were once again incredibly respectful and appreciative of one another, but they've both clearly moved on. No hard feelings, no regrets.
Jimmy Kimmel bringing out the cow named Juan Pablo who can't speak English - and CBH telling the cow "Ees okay" was hands down the funniest moment of the night. They clearly HATE JP.
This double bachelorette thing didn't seem well received, but I have to tell you, I LOVE IT. And here's why:
- Brit is made for TV - hot, dramatic, an aspiring actress. She'll kill it. Kaitlyn is definitely the cooler of the two, but she's just as hot. Male ratings should skyrocket.
- 25 guys fighting for not one, but TWO dimes is going to be unintentionally funny. I hope they bring back Mikey T. and James from Desiree's season. Those guys were made for this season.
- The drama that's going to be created will be like nothing we've ever seen before. Think about, this is a watered down version of Bachelor Pad and Bachelor in Paradise. We'll see guys flip flopping, switching from Brit to Kaitlyn if they feel like another guy has the inside edge. The cocktail hours will be BONKERS - they'll be scrambling at the last second deciding who they'll dedicate their time to in hopes for a rose, jockeying for roses. And then of course Brit and Kaitlyn fighting over a guy they both want. Don't underestimate how could this could all be.
This chick - arms out all wide like hey guys hold up, DO ANY OF YOU REALIZE WHAT JUST HAPPENED?!?!
And this guy, because there's nothing funnier than a stunned, middle-aged white guy in the live studio audience at the After the Final Rose ceremony. C'mon, bro.
And that was it. A great ending for Chris and Whitney, Becca has learned what love is, and we get two for the price of one in the next season of The Bachelorette(s). And Ashley S. will be on the Bachelor in Paradise 2. Now we just need to endure another stupid season of Dancing with the Stars.
May 18 can't come soon enough.
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